stepping into the driver's seat

WAKE UP. YOU’RE SITTING IN THE PASSENGER’S SEAT. THE SKY OUTSIDE IS FOGGY. THE ROAD ROLLS ALONG. YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING FOR A WHILE NOW. THE KIND HUM OF THE ENGINE, THE SLOW ROLL OF THE CHASSIS, THE SLIGHT BUMPS OF THE ROAD. YOU’VE WOKEN UP EVERY NOW AND THEN, TO MAKE SENSE OF WHERE YOU ARE. TO CALCULATE THE ROUTE YOU TOOK TO GET HERE. BUT THE SEAT BELT HOLDS YOU IN PLACE, HOLDS YOUR THOUGHTS STILL. YOU’VE WOKEN UP EVERY NOW AND THEN, TO LOOK OUT THE WINDOW. YOU’RE IN PLACES NEW AND FAR, PLACES IMPRESSIVE BUT UNFAMILIAR. YOUR NECK FEELS WEARY, YOUR HIPS FEEL TIGHT. AS YOU DRIFT SLOWLY BACK INTO SLUMBER BENEATH THE OVERHEAD BLUE LIGHT, YOU KNOW THAT YOU WILL ONCE AGAIN WAKE UP AMONGST THESE STRANGE ROADS, DISORIENTED AND SORE. WAKE UP. YOU ARE IN THE PASSENGER SEAT, BESIDE A PILOT OF YOUR OWN MIND. FOR WHAT HAS SEEMED LIKE AGES, YOUR TURNS HAVE BEEN CALCULATED AND CONDUCTED BY AN ENTITY WITH THE SAME NAME. YOU TRY TO TRACE YOUR ROUTE TO THIS POINT, BUT IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU ANYMORE. THERE’S SO MUCH YOU CAN’T COMPREHEND, BUT YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU JUST LOOK AT THE LAND PASSING BY, IF YOU LEAN YOUR NECK BACK JUST A LITTLE, YOU COULD FALL INTO A FAMILIAR, RESTLESS, INDETERMINATE SLUMBER. WAKE UP. YOU ARE IN THE PASSENGER SEAT, AND YOU TRY TO MOVE. YOU CAN’T. IT’S PAINFUL. YET YOU KNOW THAT IT IS NECESSARY. THAT TO ENJOY THE VAST TREASURE OF LIFE YOU MUST EXIST WITHIN YOUR OWN MIND AGAIN. IT IS A MOMENTOUS THING. IT IS A TERRIFYING THING. YOU GRAB THE WHEEL AND LOOK AT THE ROAD. YOUR MUSCLES ACHE AND YOU CONTORT YOURSELF. WHAT IF WE DRIVE IN CIRCLES? WHAT IF WE CRASH? YOU’RE IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT NOW. YOU LET GO OF YOUR BREATH AND TENSE YOUR FINGERS AROUND THE STEERING WHEEL. YOU LOOK OUTSIDE, STRAINING YOUR EYES TO SEE PAST THE FOG. YOUR MAPS WILL LOOK DIFFERENT. YOUR NOTES WILL BE FRANTIC. YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHERE YOU NEED TO GO AND WHERE YOU NEED TO STEER. AROUND BENDS, INTO VALLEYS, AND ACROSS RIVERS. ALL THE WHILE YOU SPEAK TO YOURSELF SOFTLY, SLOWLY. ‘KEEP ON COMING BACK. YOU ARE NOT THE FINAL ITERATION.’ ‘YOU KNOW THE GOAL. THE GOAL WILL ALWAYS CHANGE. YOUR ROUTE WILL ALWAYS CHANGE.’ ‘IT WILL TAKE TIME. AT LEAST 30 FOR YOUR MUSCLES TO RELAX, AND THEN FROM THERE, RAPID VIGILANCE.’ ‘DOING IT POORLY IS BETTER THAN NOT DOING IT AT ALL, BECAUSE ANYTHING WORTH DOING IS WORTH DOING POORLY.’ AND IN ALL OF IT, YOU ARE THE SAME YOU THAT YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN AND ALWAYS WILL BE, AND YOU ARE MADE OF EVERYTHING YOU DO AND EVERYTHING YOU THINK. AND THAT YOU IS LOVED. BY YOU. BECAUSE YOU WERE ONCE IN THE PASSENGER SEAT. ALL THE WHILE YOU DROVE. NOW DRIVE.